I wasn’t going to do a journal entry today, rather just reflect on past entries from this day, and other days, but after finishing the entry from year one it made me realize something. Reflecting from where I was to where I am right now continues to do wonders for my ever present grieving process. Balancing my current grief and the profound love I have for Julie seemed, at first, to feel like a contradiction. I lead GriefShare at my church. I have seen the videos two times from when I co-chaired at my church in Dallas. Last night a section of the video hit me. It discussed memories. It said there are two kinds of memories: emotional and historical. The goal is to realize when you have moved largely beyond emotional to thinking in historical memories of the loved that passed. Remembering the past in thoughts of the good times, mainly, as opposed to deep sadness is when you start to realize your grief is transitioning. I read back, in tears, through the journal entry from year one of losing Lindy. That entry partially reflected the first day I started the hike in Spain after landing in Barcelona three days after her funeral. The pain and struggles I felt that unfolded were unbearable at the time, I wrote. Very hard to read for me, again. I then moved to the journal entry from year two and reflected on the progression of a new normal seeming to start to unfold, and my joy slowly being restored, albeit very slowly. Then I clicked on year three, February 2016. The title of that journal entry was Julie and Michael’s Proposal Story. This took my breath away for a moment, as I wasn’t expecting to see it. Seemed soon to me in the eyes of a perspective reader. I read through and I started to smile and wipe tears away. I smiled ear to ear. It’s currently overcast and raining this morning here in typically sunny California. It’s overcast the way it was 4 years ago just this very morning when Lindy left this world. I remember I left the house that morning to walk, cry and sob in the rain minutes after she passed. A a tiny ray of sunlight shined on me in my tears as if she was saying her last goodby on her way up. I can’t help but think that the sun will completely part the clouds today to remind, again, and shine on me, that my that grief has moved to complete joy and happiness with Julie; a bunch of rays to show me the bright future Julie and I have together. I will hope that it’s Lindy’s way of saying congratulations. I wrote this scripture verse in my first blog entry and it has been a promise I have tried hard to believe: Jeremiah 31:13 ….I will turn your mourning into gladness; I will give comfort and joy instead of sadness. Oh how God was and is faithful! Lindy you are missed today, appreciated more than words can describe. Now mixed with joy and the passage of grief, you will always be a memory I will always cherish, everyday.
Grateful for you and your ability to articulate your experience. It is a rare gift. So glad He STILL turns your mourning into JOY!