Day 129: Waking Up is Hard to Do, Unless You're Being Yelled at by Your Dog

I just consciously realized that I sleep every night on my wife’s side of the bed. I’m sure I have realized and acknowledge this once before, but right now, Ollie stares and barks incessantly at me like I stole his bone. He barks-yells at me, while jumping up and off the chair to look out the window. It seems like he wants to know why his momma hasn’t come home yet. He has been doing this every night this week. The dogs share/slash hogs the bed with me every night, but right now he stares at me from the floor with a confusion or uneasiness in his eyes. They both, Sassy and Ollie, are suffering “Lack-o-discipline” syndrome these days. My give-a-howl has been running short these days. I can’t seem to punish them for any wrong doing. I can’t tell you how many accidents in the house I have cleaned up lately. Not sure why. They still go out at the times she let them out. That schedule I have kept up as diligent as she did. As a fake vet, pseudo name Dr. Sergei, I would say Ollie has severe anxiety. Sassy just seems to suffer “old-timers” disease, sleeps and just wakes up for treats! What do they think? Do they miss her? Do they know she’s not coming back? Or, did they forget that she passed and Ollie just sees a squirrel that haunts his dreams? I often wonder how its effecting them. I know Ollie, our youngest Jack, seems to run amuck all the time. I don’t have the discipline my wife had with him. (Its starting to come back slowly the more time I spend at home. The more stay home the more I understand why Lindy had the discipline she had with the dogs). Ollie jumps off our 4 foot high bed a couple of times a night and barks up at me! He doesn’t need to go out, so it has to be a nervous problem. Or, it’s an attention thing. Not sure what to do with this yet. Can’t tell you how many times I have let him out at three a.m., for him just to stand in the driveway and look back at me like I should take him to meet her or something. He never has to go to the bathroom that late. I feel so sad for him. We lost Sassy about two years ago for several days. She Houdini’d her way out of her dog run. We were completely frantic looking for her. Hanging posters, knocking doors, calling nearby vet clinics and shelters. She was my wifes baby of 15 years. Lindy was in tears every night. This situation is the reverse. I wish I could hang a poster of her for them:( God (four-letter-word), I wish this was easier. I often forget and think that she is coming home, or at the mall, or out late with friends. I get confused sometimes and think she is at home waiting for me. This house is so empty but so full of her. She decorated her house completely. It was her home before we got married. Every milli-inch of our house embodies her essence. At times I feel unworthy to live here. I try to keep it as she would have. A task I failed at as a husband. I never valued our house like she did. I took it for granted. She, on the other hand, took so much pride in the house’s appearance that I had to take pictures of the layout of the couch pillows so I could put it back in the right way after lounging on it! Annoying then, but soothing now to honor her wishes. Is she watching my every move from inside the house? Does she walk instep with me? Or, is she looking down in cloudfull happiness; laughing at something I still don’t understand; watching me “try” to take care of things. If so, she is officially realizing truly how much of a non-handy man I am. Pretty sure she knew that before though. It’s funny. When you are exposed to the theory of the naked truth, as seen through a ceaseless-astronomically-spiritual-empirical telescope, you really realize how exposed and incompetent you are . I know. A ton of big words! Hard sometimes to explain or articulate the impossible. Neil Abramson’s book, Unsaid, ( has had a more profound effect on me/us then I ever could have envisioned. (His book Unsaid is really good, especially if you are an animal lover/advocate). Nine months ago, August 2012, Lindy and I celebrated our second anniversary in Punta Mita, Mexico at the St.Regis resort. On the second day, while poolside for 7-8 hours, I rolled over to bake my other side only to catch my wife crying. I pushed myself up to ask, “Are you okay?” She said, “this book is amazing. You must read it”. This is the first time ever, and would be the last time ever, we shared a book, or any literature together. I read this book in about a day. It was really good. The book was about a wife that passed away. It was unique in that it was written from her view as a spirit in between worlds. It showed the husband trying to take care of her animals, the house, the kids the way she did, while trying to pick up the pieces and move on with some semblance of his life. The whole time she wanted to help. She tried to talk to him but couldn’t do anything but observe. She gave him advice but he couldn’t hear her. She pleaded and begged with him to do, or not to do things, but to no account. He was an attorney in Manhattan that commuted an hour plus daily. His wife was veterinarian who politely forced them to move to the country so she could care for her animals. She loved her horses, dogs, cats and pig. She loved preserving the rights of animals too. Her other passion was making sure animals had a dignified transition to the other world. The result? This book became real to me unfortunately. I didn’t realize at the time how real it would become. Maybe our subconscious knew what was in store. But when I read the book poolside, I cried as much as Lindy did. I really have never cried over a book. A movie? That’s a different animal! I’m now living that book. I can’t help but to wonder if she sees me like this guys wife did in his book. If so, how am I doing? Is she frustrated with me? Rolling her eyes, with her famous Lindy Lou eye roll, at my mistakes or debacles. Lord knows I have had many. Or, is she watching with pride at how much more attention I show to our 4-legged kiddos; how descent I am keeping the house; picking up after myself like I never used to. Is she proud that I am trying to forge my own semblance of a life. I will never know until the Lord descends or calls me home and I can ask her myself. What’s a wonderful day that will be. I’m ready to see Jesus and I am ready to curl up in her warm loving arms. I have much work to do here first, but what a ribbon to break at the finish line of this human race. Proverbs 8:28 Michael Cox

3 Responses

  1. I know she’s looking down and smiling! I can only imagine how you must feel about everything..from messing up the pillows on the sofa, to allowing the dogs to mess on the floor, to wondering how the dogs are feeling. I didn’t lose a spouse from a death, but by divorce. The only way I’m able to get through right now is to view this rejection as a death or I will surely go crazy. I go around yelling sometimes out loud in our house… “you are dead to me”… I’m not sure if in death it is somehow better understood in time because we do realize they are not coming back and that God works in mysterious ways. But when after 21 years a spouse abandons you, and moves thousands and thousands of miles away from you and the children, including his own family…you just wonder how does this happen? And WHY? The feeling of rejection is like 10,000 yellow jacket stings all over your body and they hurt so badly. I know that for me,
    it just doesn’t make sense. It’s like when you hear of parents abusing their child or worse, murdering one. There are so many people who would love to have a child but the unable to conceive a baby…why does that happen too? But God taking away a loving, caring, committed spouse? WHY I just sit here shaking my head. I also sleep on that side of the bed, like that’s in someway going to keep us close…But why do I still want to? When he chose to leave me…I just don’t understand love. I feel heart ache. This is probably why I feel a connection to your story and to your music. Annette

    1. My wife had a really sweet friend who I have had the privilege of maintaining a friendship with. Her father left her mother after 35 years of marriage for his secretary. They unfortunately all live in a relatively small town. It’s created a major rift between the 5 kids and try father. I guess if there is a positive, you don’t have to see him. He an truly be dead to you in that way. I pray you are able to eventually move past this. I don’t understand divorce. I would never see that as an option.

      1. Thanks for your reply! I think that’s terrible about that man and his wife and five kids. Divorce is awful and is never a win win. I don’t have to see my ex’re right thank God.

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