I started blogging on my Camino de Compostella hike 3 years ago. It has become the single, greatest tool in my grief process. Reading and reflecting over the last three years and seeing my heart heal within the raw words I wrote, I get to slowly see myself become whole again. It does something for me that has been unexplainable.
I don’t, for one second, forget this day three years ago. Every day I remember sitting in our room watching her life literally vanish from this world. As I watched, I felt a void in my life grow to a point of crippling proportions. It was as the sun vanished to leave me in a cold dark world.
Every minute of every day, I still think and talk about the last month of Lindy and I’s life together. The guarded barrier she held since I met her, like the Berlin Wall, crumbled to the ground these last three weeks. It was maybe one of the most beautiful moments of our life. It was the culmination of eight years of trying like crazy for me to get to her to understand what unconditional love looked liked. In her final days she finally felt and knew it existed from me to her. I relive and cherish these moments so often.
Without dragging the story out, I started to journal in 2004, one year before I was to meet Lindy. I apparently, in a devastating heartbreak of my own, started to journal. Well, drunken journaling in a New Orleans bar while day drinking. It was me and my friend Jack Daniels, that was. I drank and in anger wrote out what a perfect woman for me would look like should I ever want to put my heart back out there. After that weekend, I lost that journal, only to find it a year after I married Lindy. I opened it up and read it. I was in shock that I described Lindy to a T on those pages.
Two years before I married Lindy, I started to write out my goals and post them on a board in my office. The other night I was cleaning out my attic and I ran across that board.
One of my goals was to have one of my homes on or near the ocean in Southern California. I truly had forgotten about that board and this goal. Yesterday, while driving from Orange County with my fiancé Julie, five hours north to Mammoth Mountain to ski, that board popped into my mind. I shared with her that this moment is a bit surreal.
Now, I am engaged to a Southern Cali girl, in a made for Lifetime type of meeting and story, doing pre-marital counseling out here and I am excited about the plans God would have for us.
Today marks another seminal marker in my journey of grief and life. I will always celebrate Lindys life, like I do everyday now, but today for the first time, I am truly happy and excited about what life has in store for me again. I am getting married to my perfect partner-in-life and new best friend, future mother of our kids, and the one who was truly put in my path to help God redeem me. I am at that stage of recovery that is not the end of pain, but the ability to function with it and let myself reconnect to the happiness I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Lindy is cheering on for me from Heaven. I know she is smiling that I have met the perfect girl for me. My hurt will never be forgotten, it will just start to recede into the background of my life. This is a fact that comes with great tears as I write this. My grief has always kept me close to Lindy. This may be the moment Lindy has been waiting for so that she can finally know I am ok. Me being ok is something I found out recently from one of her dear friends that was very important to her.
I love you sweetheart and you will always be in my heart and thoughts.