Day 1003: Fit to be Tied

As I calculated the number of days, I was floored to see it come up on the calculator. A Thousand Days! Since Lindy passed? Wow. Some days it feels like it was yesterday. 
I feel like I have been floating along…going nowhere since her passing. But when I caught up today with a old business partner from 15 years ago, I began to tell him what all I have been up to since I lost Lindy.

As I stepped outside of myself and listened closely, I realized that I have been blessed with an amazing almost 3 year season of life that at times seems like a fairytale in and of itself. 

The places I have been, and the things I have done seem like someone else’s story, not mine. I shot up with pride as I was telling him my story, “yea I really did that!” 
Everything I have been blessed with being able to do over these past years, I owe to Lindy. 
In her disciplined and dedicated fashion, she was planning for our future. A future she wouldn’t be able to enjoy herself here on earth. 
Me? I thank her every single second of every day for being amazing with our finances. Lord knows I am not the greatest at it now, but I am forever thankful that she was. I fought the meshing of finances in the beginning, but acquiesced and wish I would have sooner. 
She made me a better person all the way around. She even told me before she died, “make sure your next wife thanks me for making you the perfect husband!” (Tears flow even as I type that) and I will always be proud to call her my wife. I tear up at least once a day over our life together being tragically cut short.
I am also convinced that she had a hand in me moving me forward in life. The serendipitous way I met Julie is confirmation that Lindy and God’s hand was in Julie and I meeting. I can’t even explain how perfect it is, and my relationship with Julie, in the beginning, was still overshadowed by the fact that I loved Lindy to her core, and I didn’t think that I could ever feel that way again. I felt a little like I was betraying her in the beginning of my relationship with Julie. I came to terms with it when I realized how affectionate, caring, and loving Julie was and how much I needed/missed that.  
Struggling through the guilt of letting myself be happy again, Julie happened.  She happened and I couldn’t be happier right now. We couldn’t be more in tune with each other. She is even in tune and often comforting to me when I have a moment of sadness with a memory or moment remembering Lindy. Where on earth can you find a woman like that? I did. I did in a very odd way. But that makes it even better, our story that is. 
She encourages me not to hold back on celebrating Lindy’s life. So comforting. She is extremely secure in herself and who she is. I love her and hope to move into a life and family with her, when the time is right. (I hope that door opens soon:) 

I am very happy that Julie and I share the same faith. God has been very good to me and to us. He is always faithful. I have a lot of friends that have never seen this side of me, simply because it didn’t exist for 22+ years. It is who I am now and I will always be. It’s not a fleeting thing. I love Jesus and I am proud to say that He is the reason I didn’t go off the deep end when Lindy died. It wasn’t an easy thing for me to reconcile with Him, but He was there and He walked me through it, and still walks with me.  God is really faithful to me, in spite of me. I do believe that He allows things to happen and that He works all things together for His good. He has opened doors, and He has closed doors. I have been frustrated, angry and flat out mad over these last 1003 days. I am comforted that He is always there and that loves me and that I have Him to not only look to always, but especially when times get confusing.

This digital journal has been the single biggest beneficial resource in my grief journey. It helps to read back (thanks to Facebook, it often reminds me of memories, and journal entries…when I least expect them!). I pray I will continue to make entries for years to come. 
I love where I am in life. The road definitely journeyed off into another dimension than I expected. 
I believe, for the first time in 1003 days, I am exactly where I am supposed to be.