One thought on “Unwrapping Grief at Christmas

  1. Good morning Paul and Happy New Year 2015! Upon waking this morning to what should have been just another day with the same old routine…making coffee, watching GMA, feeding my dogs, Federico and Leo, my horses, Cinco and Chief. There was something a little different about this day because I couldn’t get my horses into the barn last evening due to the teenage boys down the way popping off fireworks, which they started doing early. It totally freaks out my horses and they just run and run… I woke up today around 5:30 and lay there in my big king size bed…thinking WOW 2015 and another year has escaped me and then thought about Cinco and Chief as I heard the rain coming down on my roof even before opening my eyes remembering that they had been out all night and must be cold and hungry. I thought I need to get my butt up now and go put them up! Before going to bed last night I went out one more time to round them up into their stalls but to no avail, so I left open the gate to the north pasture and threw hay out for them up by the barn. Cursing those damn boys all the way….and that was supposed to be one of my resolutions this year to curse and swear less!…As I laid down to sleep with the sounds of explosions of fireworks off in the distance and before closing my eyes I saw the faint afterglow of them coming through my bedroom window. Going to sleep with this thought on my my mind, Yep Annette..another New Years Eve spent alone with nobody to kiss and or make a champagne toast with at midnight, I thought what a damn shame. Nothing about my life has changed much in the 3 years since moving back here to the farm in Nov. 2011 from Spicewood. (just outside of Austin) after the company I worked for sold out to Sprouts. I’ve not worked outside of the home since an accident I had occurring on the job 3 mos. prior to the stores closing. As I lay still this morning and upon opening my eyes.. the first thing I did was to start cursing out loud! “Fuck you Billie Hair”….and thought about how many years it’s been now that I have awakened alone in this bed and had no one to kiss on new Years Eve? Fucking forever…The last time Billie decided to leave and we were divorced again (as we were married 3 times…true story) was Aug. 15, 2007..and afterwards continued to waltz in and out of my life for the past 7 years….Until putting a stop to the insanity. On July 14, ’14…I screamed as loud as I could in his face “NOOOOO!!! NO F-ing MORE! GET OUT because I’ve rededicated my life to Jesus Christ Billie Hair, and He is my heavenly Father, my heavenly husband, my heavenly best friend, and my soul provider! Get out and don’t ever come back” The point I’m making here is that I think it’s weird how in life is how we must lose and say good bye to the people we’ve loved most in our lives, because in death comes our surrender to God and in fact we know that you or them were in no way in control over that person leaving you. And you also know immediately after death they will never be coming back…but still we are left with the grief, tons of grief, the extreme sadness, and all the memories… And the haunting question …”WHY GOD? WHY?” This is why I think that divorce and death carry with the loss of a loved one different types of grief. I still have all my memories of special occasions and holidays, and still wonder, how does a person just get up walk out the door and drive away from his wife and children? How can they be so damn selfish and lie to the point that they could fool you into believing for many many years that they loved you so much and that you’re the only one.. and then to find out 21 years later that they’d actually been leading a double life. This kind of heart ache leaves you feeling like you’ve been duped and you feel so stupid because you believe you must be the biggest fool on the planet…..And when you think about all the years spent believing in this person only to realize it was all a big fat lie. You just want to cry and cry!… And one day you suddenly wake up and realize you’ve become this this angry bitter person who is filled with all this regret. I read your stories and looking at the pictures of your life with Lindy sometimes really chokes me up like this morning. I thought, my God, why did you take Lindy from Michael? They were so madly in love and so right for each other. And me Lord, I was in love with a big fat shit head. Who I let treat me like shit for 21 years. Why did I do it? I knew that the way he treated me was wrong… And wishing today that in my lifetime I’d had somebody like you Michael, who truly loved me the way that you loved Lindy and also knowing just how much she loved you too is beautiful. Seeing how you have honored her even in death is touching to say the least with all the little ways in which you still show her your love and for allowing the world to see how much this woman meant/means to you is so sweet. I do believe the kind of love you two have/had is rare… I’ve come to believe and know now why God says he hates divorce. Because I think in a way it is worst than death…When a person you love, you truly love, you commit to, and in marriage the vows are taken literally, thereby placing all your trust and faith in that man, making plans for the future, investing in a home, and having children with…then one day that man just decides he’s not happy… and chooses to leave his wife and family. I can say nothing good, absolutely nothing good, comes from that choice but destruction and devastation. It does nothing but break everyone’s hearts..and is catastrophic. I have grieved and grieved and grieved to the point I don’t feel like it’s something I’m supposed to talk about anymore or feel bad about anymore because after all I should be able to just make that conscience choice to move on and forget about it. Like it was nothing and it all meant nothing to me. When I see everyone on FB with their families still intact and celebrating 35+ years of marriage to the same man makes me so sad! Christmas and New Years are the worst for me. Our traditions are no longer something we share and I can’t help but wonder who he is spending the Holidays with etc… By now you should be over it Annette….and my well meaning friends and family will say things to me like, “get over it already”..or “you’re obviously still carrying a lot of baggage around”… “You need to move on” I don’t know how to get over the feelings I have of being deserted, rejected, lied to, and cheated on for so many years. For being such a dumb ass, for forgiving a person so many times who has done so many terrible things, and and for believing him when I thought he was sincere and meant it when he said he was sorry and then asking for forgiveness…Then only to find out after 21 years of thinking you know someone, then BAM the ultimate betrayal, finding out he’d been leading a double life all along..I’m here to say …it is gut wrenching. I know that my heart longs to have that loving feeling again . But In my case I have no idea how to even go about trying to find love, much less opening my heart up again. Then there is always the fear of telling a new man your story! If I were to do so, I’m afraid he’d probably run for the hills! You show and describe all the exciting places the two of you went and how you cared for one another and what you experienced as a couple. How wonderful! It’s been a long time since I was in love. Today I’m scared to let anyone close to me for fear of being lied to again, used, or rejected…I see the lines in my face and the age in my eyes as I approach 57 in a couple of months…I think… oh my God Annette time is ticking down you’d better at least put yourself out there again if you’re going to meet anyone ever again, you’d better hurry before it’s too late!! But then I get scared and I don’t even know how to do that now…You read blogs on how to catch a man and keep him, and you hear all kinds of crap! Like stuff on relationships from all the so called gurus, numerologists, astrologists, and you hear about people finding love sitting down at their computers…I’m not real keen on the idea of finding somebody to date or possibly fall in love with on a dating website! Whatever happened to the old fashioned way? Meeting face to face! Then when you do go out to a bar or anywhere really, everyone’s just sitting there staring down at a light illuminating their faces! You may finally get the nerve to strike up a conversation to the guy sitting next to you and then they suddenly they reach down for their phone and say sorry I gotta take this call turn away to talk or text……I’m just going to start going to church and Sunday school on a regular basis, maybe there I will meet a nice man. Your posts Michael have in some way inspired me to get up on out of here…to break up my normal routine…to go out and start living again because I’m NOT dead…I must try finding new friends to make new memories with and other ways to enjoy my life. I don’t know if I will ever find the love like the kind you experienced with Lindy but because you’ve shared your love story it’s given me hope that someday I might. 2015 is destined to become my break out year! Breaking all my old routines and mundane old habits by going to different cities, country sides, riding Chief again, and seeing more of this great state! I’m not going to sit here waiting for life to come-a-knockin’ and allow life to pass me by because of my broken heart. The world is still going to keep spinning in spite of it, and by the way, it is still beating…I’m going to choose to live life fully NOW! Wishing you more peace, love, and happiness in the upcoming new year! Lindy was a very blessed woman indeed! Annette

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s